This week has again been the “payday” week, which has caused extra tension to date.

I hoped that this 2nd x would be a bit quieter, but that was quite disappointing. Monday went well and in the evenings I did the finances with my confidant. Repayments have been made in recent months, which means that not everything has gone to accounts and repayment arrangements in one day this month. Although it’s only a little bit that just got me through the month.

Tuesday I had a great day at work and when I was almost home, I suddenly got a heavy gambling urge, and I was already working on where I was going to gamble, how much and as quickly as possible. Although this often happens and is part of the process, it is always a bit of a shock and exciting. Your normal sensible thoughts suddenly disappeared and out of the blue decided to get off the train and walk towards a casino. Fortunately I was able to correct myself on the way and bought some food and got back on a train.

Super stupid and clumsy, because by getting out I created a serious risk. Fortunately I didn’t gamble and half an hour later I ran into an acquaintance, and we had a drink in the pub. This felt like a reward that I hadn’t gambled and like a wake-up call. Think I should be a bit more alert on these first days of salary and barely have any money with me. Because a week later there is little sigh.

Probably because I never gambled much in the last months of the month, because then the survival mode was busy. Fortunately I was able to correct myself on the way and bought some food and got back on a train. Super stupid and clumsy, because by getting out I created a serious risk. Fortunately I didn’t gamble and half an hour later I ran into an acquaintance, and we had a drink in the pub.

This felt like a reward that I hadn’t gambled and like a wake-up call. Think I should be a bit more alert on these first days of salary and barely have any money with me. Because a week later there is little sigh. Probably because I never gambled much in the last months of the month, because then the survival mode was busy.

Fortunately I was able to correct myself on the way and bought some food and got back on a train. Super stupid and clumsy, because by getting out I created a serious risk. Fortunately I didn’t gamble and half an hour later I ran into an acquaintance, and we had a drink in the pub. This felt like a reward that I hadn’t gambled and like a wake-up call. Think I should be a bit more alert on these first days of salary and barely have any money with me. Because a week later there is little sigh. Probably because I never gambled much in the last months of the month, because then the survival mode was busy.

Fortunately I didn’t gamble and half an hour later I ran into an acquaintance, and we had a drink in the pub. This felt like a reward that I hadn’t gambled and like a wake-up call. Think I should be a bit more alert on these first days of salary and barely have any money with me. Because a week later there is little sigh. Probably because I never gambled much in the last months of the month, because then the survival mode was busy. Fortunately I didn’t gamble and half an hour later I ran into an acquaintance, and we had a drink in the pub. This felt like a reward that I hadn’t gambled and like a wake-up call.

Think I should be a bit more alert on these first days of salary and barely have any money with me. Because a week later there is little sigh. Probably because I never gambled much in the last months of the month, because then the survival mode was busy.

In addition to this somewhat difficult moment, there are also many beautiful effects of the right choices. Can reward myself again on an extra accessory for the furnishing, which I have worked for and which makes me happy.

Positive feedback that everything is neatly paid off without asking 10x but proactively correct. I notice this week that I have to be alert not to buy too many unnecessary luxuries like sandwiches, because there is now some money. You don’t need it and don’t need it, but getting up later makes you lax and thinking too easy. I’ll keep an eye out for this for the rest of the month.

For the past 10 years, too much of my life has been defined by gambling, money, stress and immature behavior. Pretty soon at 18 I noticed that I was addicted to gambling and especially to the thrill. But always with the idea in mind that one day I would wake up, and I wouldn’t feel the need to gamble anymore. Which unfortunately has turned out to be an illusion, as I just can’t stop for the long term. In recent years I have taken a lot of action to stop, such as 2.5 years without gambling with the help of the AGOG and a voluntary admission to an addiction clinic 5 years ago to say goodbye to gambling for good. Unfortunately, after a gambling-free period between 2011 – 2013, everything slowly went wrong again and in the end I gambled harder and more extreme than ever before. As a result I have lost the love of my life, extreme debts, my parents and especially myself a lot of grief. In the past year I have attended many meetings and tried my best, but unfortunately it has not been enough, and it has not been very successful. All those futile attempts have made me despondent and desperate, because instead of a beautiful life I now really live in the abyss and the consequences are great. I had ended the year well and started well, but in recent weeks I have gambled up all my living money and money that I could still borrow in a devious way. Despite the fact that I was able to financially repair my month several times I JUST CAN’T STOP!. Never had and it will NEVER HAPPEN, which is why I have to stay very far away from all things gambling and work hard on my recovery. Only I get complacent pretty quickly, and then I think it’s okay once, and then it’s a drama again. Although I have seriously wanted to stop for 3.5 years, I now really grab everything that makes me extra alert, because if I want to make something of my life, the moment is really almost over! That’s why I’m going to keep a weekly short blog on this forum from today, because it helped me a lot 4 years ago on another website. Unfortunately, this one has fallen out of the sky. In addition, it will not stay here, but I will also actively visit meetings for a very long time and put everything in recovery this year to get a beautiful life, but I will be hard on everything for that. Over the next week, I will list the actions and be honest with myself and the forum.

The heavy storm storm of thoughts and despair has settled down again, so that the positive thoughts get the upper hand again. Caught 2 meetings in the past 3 days, both AGOG and GA. I have come into contact with this in the past and have been clean for a long time because of this. In addition, despite the many “mistakes” in the last 2 years, I still have the feeling that support groups are the only solution to resist the addiction. It still gives a nice feeling of recognition to talk to like-minded people, although I admit that none of this was on my “bucket list” when I was born. But fortunately I have found that I have no choice and that those few extra hours will give me a beautiful life if I am willing, benevolent and honest. 

In recent years I have borrowed large sums from my family during breaks of rest, which have certainly fed my addiction. Even if my parents knew that this would not be the solution, but hoped it would. As an addict, I can indeed say that most of the money was indeed wasted, but it did ensure that I finished my studies and had a sporty life. But of course you don’t know, what maybe I would have stopped at 22 without a safety net or ended up on the criminal path. It will remain a big question mark, but nothing can be changed. In recent months I have also clearly stated, no matter what happens MONEY is NO MORE AN OPTION. Because if I won 50K today I would think all my problems are solved.

Due to my very last relapse Tuesday I went completely broke with an empty fridge and today I asked if my family could sponsor me groceries. This actually happened today for the first time, which gives a sad and sad feeling to walk into the store as an adult and hope that you get a week’s worth of groceries. But personally I think this is the best investment as a parent, still no money but can now go back a week ahead which gives some peace. Money would still cause danger and unrest at the moment. 

Furthermore, I had a reasonable 2 last days, where I am certainly not where I want to be yet, but hope is slowly returning.

The past few days, including the beautiful carnival weekend, have been great days. The conviction, focus and motivation are still there and that is positive. Today, after 2 days of pleasure, I notice that a somewhat sad and lifeless feeling dominates. Not surprising even after 2 long beautiful days, but very recognizable for me personally. After peak moments such as holidays, trips, beautiful activities, a day later (often Monday or Tuesday) is a kind of “dip”, which my body would like to fill up with a strong energy boost (peak moment) such as gambling. This has also made me try to live around the peaks as much as possible, because in the end is not possible and creates a big “downer”. So I have often done this after holidays, but certainly not now. Even though I have a day off, this afternoon I made an action list of activities (home – work – private – recovery) that I want to perform today and tomorrow. Tonight I can cross off some simple actions such as washing, mopping or cooking which give a useful feeling and which is much better than turning off the “time”. Because boredom and restlessness are feelings that an addiction knows how to deal with.

Here we go again. Today is the day I quit gambling…

It’s funny that I convinced my self the first time that I was going to quit, meanwhile I haven’t permanently banned myself from any of the brands I play at. The first thing I should have done is exclude myself from all the brands I play, so that it’s less easy for me to make another mistake like the one I did last week.

If I leave a small door open, my mind is incredibly resourceful to find it’s way to start gambling again.

I need to convince myself why I shouldn’t gamble. Right now I can think of 20 strategies how to go back to the table’s in order to recoup my losses. But when I think of why I shouldn’t gamble I can hardly think of even 5.

I think it’s time to make a list of why I need to quit gambling.

I haven’t posted in a while, which means I have failed. I have lost a lot of money again. The thought of going back to the table’s and slots have been too strong, and I couldn’t resist and lost the fight in my mind.

I have lost a lot of money that I couldn’t afford to lose, again. And right around Christmas times. Being a gambling addict really sucks, and I feel a bit down, depressed sort of speak.

I know time will heal all wounds. I am just going to try to occupy my mind with other things, get some distraction going. At the moment nothing feels like fun anymore so going to bed early and waking up late is my only option at this point.

I want to keep this blog honest, so the good and the bad. I don’t want to hide anything, even though not posting about it was in fact hiding from the truth that I was gambling again, and a lot.

I’m sorry that I have let myself down again.

While browsing Reddit, posts on gambling addiction. I have fallen into a trance like state where I have added up my paycheck plus a loan that will come soon these days and nearly justified depositing $20 of the $100 that’s left in my bank account!

The mind is such a powerful beast! I wish I had it under control and could train it to do the same thing that would actually benefit my life. Like exercise more, eat more healthy and of course completely eradicate gambling out of my life.