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The more money I have, the more difficult it gets…

Just needed to post this to calm myself because my mind is going places to find another way.
I am trying to find ways to justify another deposit, but I won’t give in!

I have almost submitted to the thought of depositing again. But I want to stay strong, keep my promise and manifest changes into my life. My new life, gambling free.

I have gone to twitch to watch someone win big on stream to justify the deposit and that I could be the next winner. But I won’t bite! It’s as if my mind has a mind of its own, and it’s trying to ruin my life. It’s addicted, and it’s trying to get its next hit of dopamine.

It’s strange talking about my mind as if it’s another person, but that is because I want to separate myself from this toxic behaviour. I need to change myself and my mind, and in order to do so, I have to set an example for myself.

Learning to handle money again.

I have to learn how to save money, because for the last 7 years or so I have always deposited my spare change, but right now I have gone overboard again. My total winnings of around $9000 that I have cashed out have gone straight back to the casino in about 9 days. It sickens me that I have let myself go to a point where a couple of hundred dollars don’t mean anything to me. I would have given everything to win back the amount that I’ve lost.

A mind of its own.

I just received some money, and it’s as if my mind went into a full hysterical psychosis trying to convince me to deposit a small part of it. Thinking ahead, when I will receive the next amount of cash to justify the small amount to deposit. Going to Twitch to watch streamers win, to convince myself, to do a small deposit and as if I could be the next winner.

Writing about it brings me back to sanity I have found, so that’s why I will write every time my own mind is trying to fool me and basically expose it online? If that makes any sense…

Bringing shame to the ways my mind is trying to fool me will help me understand how not to fall for it again.

Anonymous

It’s difficult… Not that I have a compulsive urge to gamble, I don’t even have money at the moment that I can spend on it. It’s more of the psychological thinking that is happening right now.

Even when I am not gambling, I do think about it frequently. I am thinking of the cashback that will arrive on Monday. The cashback from another brand by the end of the month. This blog has already been helpful a lot to be honest. If I haven’t started this blog yesterday, I would have already made up my mind to play the rewards.

But I can’t, and I won’t! I hate the rollercoaster ride of winning, losing then winning again and eventually just losing it all! Not only that, the glimpse of hope that there is a cashback and the possibility of winning it all back is what bothering me the most. I don’t want to think that way at all… the house always wins, and I am not in a state of mind to think clearly that it’s just a game, and only play what I can afford. I have passed that level long time ago, and it’s time to stop!

My brain has been wired to think of possibilities of winning it all back, finding ways like bonuses or cashback systems to play again with the possibility to win big again, or in my case win it all back.

I hope to achieve by writing about it to help me explore how my brain works, and rewire it back to a normal state of mind again. I just need to get rid of this disease that has been infecting my life for such a long time now.

Day 1 : 15 December 2021

Today, 15 December 2021, is the day that I quit gambling. I have won big and within a week I have returned it back all to the casino. I am tired of the rollercoaster of feeling happy, joy of winning, planning what to do with the money and eventually the first priority is playing some more, and more, and more until there’s nothing left.

The weird thing about winning big is that all the plans I made to spend the money on are being pushed away. It’s like having “wise decisions dementia”. The only thing I can think of is trying my luck again.

Once I am out of money, sanity kicks back in again. The rush of possibly winning big slowly fades away. The only thing that I am left with is an empty feeling of “what I could have done with all that money”.

I lost track how long I have been gambling, but it has been somewhere around 7 years now. Two times I have hit rock bottom where family and friends kicked in to help me out with paying rent and other bills.

I don’t want that to happen again, especially now that I recently bought a new home. I hope that this blog will help me keep track of what comes to mind when I feel the urge again. Furthermore, I hope that I will re-read my old posts and come back to sanity and rethink my decisions before I go back to the slots and roulette tables. For the first time, I am going to keep a log of everything that comes to mind when I want to “try my luck again”.

Hopefully this blog, or actually an “anonymous personal public journal” will help me get through the day’s when the urge kicks back in.

Instead of going back online, I will turn to this blog and write exactly what comes to mind. Find out my psychological demons and destroy them by writing about them.

Today will be the first day without gambling. It’s easy without having money. But as soon as my next pay cheque comes in, the real work is going to begin.

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