The more money I have, the more difficult it gets…
Just needed to post this to calm myself because my mind is going places to find another way.
I am trying to find ways to justify another deposit, but I won’t give in!
I have almost submitted to the thought of depositing again. But I want to stay strong, keep my promise and manifest changes into my life. My new life, gambling free.
I have gone to twitch to watch someone win big on stream to justify the deposit and that I could be the next winner. But I won’t bite! It’s as if my mind has a mind of its own, and it’s trying to ruin my life. It’s addicted, and it’s trying to get its next hit of dopamine.
It’s strange talking about my mind as if it’s another person, but that is because I want to separate myself from this toxic behaviour. I need to change myself and my mind, and in order to do so, I have to set an example for myself.
Learning to handle money again.
I have to learn how to save money, because for the last 7 years or so I have always deposited my spare change, but right now I have gone overboard again. My total winnings of around $9000 that I have cashed out have gone straight back to the casino in about 9 days. It sickens me that I have let myself go to a point where a couple of hundred dollars don’t mean anything to me. I would have given everything to win back the amount that I’ve lost.
A mind of its own.
I just received some money, and it’s as if my mind went into a full hysterical psychosis trying to convince me to deposit a small part of it. Thinking ahead, when I will receive the next amount of cash to justify the small amount to deposit. Going to Twitch to watch streamers win, to convince myself, to do a small deposit and as if I could be the next winner.
Writing about it brings me back to sanity I have found, so that’s why I will write every time my own mind is trying to fool me and basically expose it online? If that makes any sense…
Bringing shame to the ways my mind is trying to fool me will help me understand how not to fall for it again.
Anonymous