For the past 10 years, too much of my life has been defined by gambling, money, stress and immature behavior. Pretty soon at 18 I noticed that I was addicted to gambling and especially to the thrill. But always with the idea in mind that one day I would wake up and I wouldn’t feel the need to gamble anymore. Which unfortunately has turned out to be an illusion, as I just can’t stop for the long term. In recent years I have taken a lot of action to stop, such as 2.5 years without gambling with the help of the AGOG and a voluntary admission to an addiction clinic 5 years ago to say goodbye to gambling for good. Unfortunately, after a gambling-free period between 2011 – 2013, everything slowly went wrong again and in the end I gambled harder and more extreme than ever before. As a result I have lost the love of my life, extreme debts, my parents and especially myself a lot of grief. In the past year I have attended many meetings and tried my best, but unfortunately it has not been enough and it has not been very successful. All those futile attempts have made me despondent and desperate, because instead of a beautiful life I now really live in the abyss and the consequences are great. I had ended the year well and started well, but in recent weeks I have gambled up all my living money and money that I could still borrow in a devious way. Despite the fact that I was able to financially repair my month several times I JUST CAN’T STOP!. Never had and it NEVER will, which is why I have to stay very far away from all things gambling and work hard on my recovery. Only I get complacent pretty quickly and then I think it’s okay once and then it’s a drama again. Although I have seriously wanted to stop for 3.5 years, I now really grab everything that makes me extra alert, because if I want to make something of my life, the moment is really almost over! That’s why I’m going to keep a weekly short blog on this forum from today, because it helped me a lot 4 years ago on another website. Unfortunately, this one has fallen out of the sky. In addition, it will not stay here, but I will also actively visit meetings for a very long time and put everything in recovery this year to get a beautiful life, but I will be hard on everything for that. Over the next week I will list the actions and be honest with myself and the forum. Hopefully with your support I can help others too.

Hi TB, I’m on this forum for the alcohol but also have some experience with compulsive gambling. I will definitely read your blog.

Nice to read, good luck to you too!

The heavy storm storm of thoughts and despair has settled down again, so that the positive thoughts get the upper hand again. Caught 2 meetings in the past 3 days, both AGOG and GA. I have come into contact with this in the past and have been clean for a long time because of this. In addition, despite the many “mistakes” in the last 2 years, I still have the feeling that support groups are the only solution to resist the addiction. It still gives a nice feeling of recognition to talk to like-minded people, although I immediately admit that none of this was on my “bucket list” when I was born. But fortunately I have found that I have no choice and that those few extra hours will give me a beautiful life if I am willing, benevolent and honest.

In recent years I have borrowed large sums from my family during breaks of rest, which have certainly fed my addiction. Even if my parents knew that this would not be the solution, but hoped it would. As an addict, I can indeed say that most of the money was indeed wasted, but it did ensure that I finished my studies and had a sporty life. But of course you don’t know, what maybe I would have stopped at 22 without a safety net or ended up on the criminal path. It will remain a big question mark, but nothing can be changed. In recent months I have also clearly stated, no matter what happens MONEY is NO MORE AN OPTION. Because if I won 50K today I would think all my problems are solved. But that would certainly take me further from my goal, the source really lies in the character.

Due to my very last relapse Tuesday I went completely broke with an empty fridge and today I asked if my family could sponsor me groceries. This actually happened today for the first time, which gives a sad and sad feeling to walk into the store as an adult and hope that you get a week’s worth of groceries. But personally I think this is the best investment as a parent, still no money but can now go back a week ahead which gives some peace. Money would still cause danger and unrest at the moment.

Furthermore, I had a reasonable 2 last days, where I am certainly not where I want to be yet, but hope is slowly returning.

TB

hello forum,

The past few days, including the beautiful carnival weekend, have been great days. The conviction, focus and motivation are still there and that is positive. Today, after 2 days of pleasure, I notice that a somewhat sad and lifeless feeling dominates. Not surprising even after 2 long beautiful days, but very recognizable for me personally. After peak moments such as holidays, trips, beautiful activities, a day later (often Monday or Tuesday) is a kind of “dip”, which my body would like to fill up with a strong energy boost (peak moment) such as gambling. This has also made me try to live around the peaks as much as possible, because in the end is not possible and creates a big “downer”. So I have often done this after holidays, but certainly not now. Even though I have a day off, this afternoon I made an action list of activities (home – work – private – recovery) that I want to perform today and tomorrow. Tonight I can cross off some simple actions such as washing, mopping or cooking which give a useful feeling and which is much better than turning off the “time”. Because boredom and restlessness are feelings that an addiction knows how to deal with.

Writing this down gives me satisfaction again, which is another action. In short: “push the body the mind will follow”

TB

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